Holding Space Part. 2: Intimate Relating
Written by Deus Fortier on Nov. 14th 2018
The most immediate and observable example of our power to influence others in a positive way with our stable space-holding presence is in our intimate partnerships, because sexual relationships are by far the most visceral representation of the space-holding capacity we are capable of offering; and it will be tested and reflected back to us with an unparalleled speed and intensity. 

Often it is our lover who triggers our deepest wounds, unceremoniously launching us into our most vulnerable states, challenging us to hold on to a level of integrity that so very often seems just out of reach.

The harsh truth however, is that it is within these very moments of strife that we have the greatest opportunity to grow exponentially, and to offer the colossal gift of loving service to one whom we deeply care about and are intimately linked with.

So how do we stand with stability, strength, and gentle receptivity in this personal sphere of relationship wherein conflict and difficulty are magnified, where triggers are woven in and out of a tangled ball of sex, trauma, expectations, miscommunications, and emotional volatility?
The answer is simple, and it is one that most people do not like to hear:

Personal accountability.

One of the greatest interpersonal secrets is that the vast majority of people are changed through positive example, not through advice, direction, or criticism, unless they are actively seeking to learn from a teacher that they have entrusted themselves to for that specific purpose.

Unfortunately, in our relationships we tend to put so much emphasis on correcting our partners; how unhealthy or un-supportive they are, how emotional, or how infuriating their behaviors are.
When this is amplified by unconscious gender role expectations then we condemn ourselves to perpetual suffering in the agonizing cycle of expectation, projection, and disappointment.

The only way out of the mire of unhealthy behavior patterns, victimization, accusations, guilt, blame, and emotional instability is to take personal responsibility for your health and well-being on all levels.

If you need a specific kind of emotional support that your partner is not capable of offering in that moment, release them and seek out a friend who has the capacity to support you in the way that you need. Or take some space from one another and return to the conversation after the surge of emotion has died down or transformed.

If your boundaries are being crossed, assert them with firmness and conviction, without hostility or retaliation.

If you are feeling stifled or suffocated, make it a priority to spend some quality time alone with yourself and communicate that need to your partner with gentle reassurance and love.

If you are feeling abandoned, communicate your desire to connect with your partner through creative date ideas that tie into their personal interests, AND go tend to your friendships, creative projects, physical health, emotional outlets, and spiritual practice.

Fill yourself up, no matter how your partner may or may not respond to your efforts.

Once you begin taking charge of your inner fullness, your radiance will be an unstoppable force of irrepressible truth and grace. Needing nothing beyond that which you are capable of providing for yourself through your own volition, you will find that you have infinitely more to give, and the living example of your fulfillment will transform those around you in ways you could not have imagined.

By mastering your ability to communicate your needs, desires, and boundaries with sincerity, strength and compassion, people will rise up to meet you as if by magic, and those that cannot climb to the same lofty height of impeccability will fade to the outer edges of your experience.
When you become obsessed with balancing self-care and selfless service, you will never lack for anything and others will be delighted to serve you in all the areas that you currently feel are deficient.

Who you are BEING affects everything within your sphere of influence.

When you realize that your expectations of others are crippling you, and that taking care of yourself and then offering selfless service to others is true freedom and fulfillment, you will discover the great secret, the great Joy of life.

You don’t have to be perfect.

In the face of inevitable conflict and difficulty, all you have to do is keep turning within and asking “What must I learn, and how may I serve?”

When this quest of virtue becomes the unbroken underlying motivation behind all of your thoughts, words, and actions, you will find lasting stability in your fearless, loving service, and others will return the sentiment with radiant joy.

You will stand unshakable amidst the flurries, floods, fires and fury of intimate partnership with a straight spine, on bended knee.

Deus Fortier

Deus Fortier helps men unleash their masculine power and emotional depth. He is an expert at activating latent human potential through online, group, and 1on1 coaching.
If you're interested in living an outrageously satisfying life, then definitely reach out and request a free strategy session today.
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